I am unsure of what to write this month. I watched this super trippy show a while back and it was like watching acid trip interviews. I can not remember what it was called, but it was on netflix. Midnight something or another. Anyways, I remember one of the episodes was talking about the plight or the struggle of being an artist. Specifically of being an author. They were chatting about how substance use or drinking was so common amongst creatives/authors. This commonality is fueled by the need to have something to write about. When life is going well it feels harder to write about life. It feels like harm & trauma is the crutch of all your writings. This past month life has been going really really well. Almost alarmingly well. My partner & I went to LGBTQ+ Prom, we have been able to upgrade some home decor/furniture, & even begin planning our next vacation. It feels surreal to do all these things amidst a global genocide and faccist president. I feel myself holding my breath often waiting for the other shoe to drop at literally any time.
While the shoe still hasn’t dropped, I did jump back into “the fire” this month. I have always had a love affair with substance use; mostly interacting with meth or tina (same thing different names). At the moment I am currently raw-dogging life. I have stopped drinking, using drugs, & even significantly reduced the amount of sex I am having. The reduction or stopping of some of these activities have been intentional. No longer entertaining a relationship with tina has been the easiest & the hardest thing I have ever done. The easiest part of my journey was separating myself from individuals that may still use (in any capacity), but that was not a forever “fix” for me.
Living down in FL allowed me to build community, and throw myself into the depths of working. Opportunities to build spaces for folks to talk about our daily lives, collectively hold grief, & process trauma/harm. All of this work ate up so much of my time, and yet I was still restless because the world around me was becoming increasingly more dangerous. Between the global recognition of the genocide in palestine, state governors wanting to dismantle protections for women, & violence towards trans people I continued in motion for as often as I could. Remaining in motion is a way to circumvent my desire to meet up with Miss Tina occasionally.
Moving back up to Grand Rapids, I knew that I would be forced to slow back down as this city is much slower on the uptake in terms of protests, mental health, & general movement building work. Even with the decrease in my work load I have not allowed myself the chance to breath. Launching individualized 1-1 support, creating virtual spaces, & volunteering my time at the local LGBTQ+ Center. The universe has its ways of forcing us to slow down though. While I am exiting the season of creating and entering into an era of growth I will be given a chance to take a breath. Assessing my own emotions, thoughts, spaces & trajectory. This lull in work will also provide a moment for me to meet up with individuals that I have previously written off.
I want to go on record and say that USING DRUGS IS NOT BAD! YOU ARE ALLOWED TO USE WHATEVER SUBSTANCE YOU NEED OR WANT TOO REGARDLESS OF THE REASON! I LOVE & SUPPORT YOUR AUTONOMY AND DECISION TO USE DRUGS!
For me, using drugs was typically done as a way to mask whatever was going on internally. Sometimes it was an answer to external factors. More often than not it was a coping mechanism for my depression & gender fuckery. I used almost every day for nearly 12 years. It created a lot of heartache & despair. It also opened me up to a whole world of possibilities. In 2024, I took a sabbatical from using. During this year I took two “sobreity breaks”. These were moments when I would go on a vacation with the intention of using ak.a a break from being sober. I had 1 major rule though: I would not use it if I was feeling bad in any sense of the word (mentally, physically, or emotionally). This really helped fuel my drive towards abstaining from use. Which will never be a forever goal of mine.
Recently while living in Grand Rapids, I took a trip down memory lane to visit my friend Miss Tina. A fun time was had, and yet I don’t quite feel ready to have her back in my life on any kind of regular basis. It was fun visiting with her though. I was also reminded of how fleeting the high was. It was a constant feeling of wanting some more, and then a lil more. I was able to say no, but I didn’t like not being in “control” over my own desires. I think one day I will visit her again, but today is not that day.
So for now I will drink an excess amount of coffee and continue watching Schitts Creek.
TTFN
XOXO
K.Black
Comment below whatever show you are binge watching