I am actually not sure how professional bloggers create what I view to be nothingness out of thin air. I used to read so many blogs, and so often I was left feeling empty still. I didn’t have any sense of connection to the author, or to the topic. I didn’t end the reading finding a new sense of purpose or some sudden interest in something new. I began to think to myself “am I broken?”, or “am I just not reading it correctly?”. While at the same time my brain began to spiral out of control in all sorts of directions, spinning around like a fork caught in the garbage disposal, or water rushing down the drain. Caught in a vortex of thoughts, emotions, and my own ego playing tricks on me. There is no sudden cure for this, and I can’t just breathe my way out of this… This is what some would deem to be a minor panic attack. I call it a regular saturday night of a girlie that is over worked, under fucked, & frankly just trying to survive until the next major asteroid hits planet earth to take us all out. Whoops that might be too dark, my bad; let me start over.
Hi, My name is Kleopatra Black and this is my “blog” space. Just a nifty little space where I can write out my thoughts, wishes, dreams, lived experiences, & all things basically about me. If I am being completely honest I feel a bit narcissistic writing all of this about me. Like, my brain is trying to bully me into believeing that “writing isn’t worth my time, that no one will give a fuck about what I have too say, and who the hell do I think I am having a whole space dedicated to my punk ass story”. Holy Bejesus my brain is so got damn rude sometimes, and other times we are able to cohabitate and get some serious shit done. That’s the thing with our brains they can’t always be trusted, and thus I lean on my community in times of crises to steer me in a seemingly better direction. I don’t always listen to them, In fact I usually don’t (we can largely blame pathological demand avoidance for that), but community has always been there for me every time I have stumbled.
I have not always had this kind or level of support. I operate under the belief that community is not something you can “find”; it is a living, breathing, organic system you build from the ground up. Its kind of like making a family, or building a robot. Know one ever has any idea what they are doing at first. They simply start with an idea, or a feeling, or a want. If you are wanting to connect and don’t quite know where to even begin then I have some good news for you… You can start right here. Check out my social media pages, look at my about me, even read through some of my lived experiences. If you connect with anything you may see or read than you should reach out. Reaching out is the second (and in my opinion one of the hardest steps) in building a community. The rest of the steps will come as you continue on your journey, but it must begin with identifying what you want, and then reaching out to folks to help build it.
I am in no way perfect, or all knowing. All I can do is continue living one moment at a time, and sometimes I will stumble, sometimes I will fly. I will always continue to live even when my brain tries to bully me into thinking that I should end my journey early. I personally will fight through those thoughts for as long as I possibly can in order to continue providing community to those that reach out & want it. :)
Forever building community,
XOXO
Mx Kleo
A little extra information on my lived experiences are below…
My story is not pretty nor does it have a “good ending”. My story is ongoing. I am a human trying to survive in this world filled with other humans. The things that complicate my life are not things I can or wish to change. I am a Black, Trans woman living with HIV. I have been a sex worker, used & misused substances, been houseless, survived multiple forms of abuse from the time I was a kid into adulthood, moved across the country multiple times, been poor, had money, traveled the world, made friends, lost friends, and continue to survive in the united states under a very oppressive government system. When I wake up every morning I am thankful that I survived to see beyond the age of 30, and I am also reminded that so many in my community did not. When I open instagram I am bombarded by the increasing death tolls in Gaza, Sudan, & Congo. I am a person that continues to be alive after trying so many times to make the opposite true. These words may sound pretty when you put them all together, but these words are my life’s journey and my story. I share these words with you to connect and foster a sense of belonging. I share my story as often as I can because I hope that one day I can see the strength that others see in it. I refuse to be resilient, and yet I am still here. I want to be the girl that breaks down crying at every rom-com, I want to be soft & fragile, and I want to be known as the girl that knows how to put herself back together again. I am not RESILIENT! I am resourceful, and I have been broken so many times that putting the pieces back together almost seems like a game at this point. A game that I have played over and over and over again. I will continue playing this game until I am dead or I am free.